


tourist history

by 00line



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Catharsis, Character Study, Friendship/Love, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Summer Vacation, Teen Angst, exploration of anxieties (but not Anxiety), still be careful when you read, the ship takes a while im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25984870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/00line/pseuds/00line
Summary: This is what frustrates Jeongin the most.He’s on this exciting overseas trip with his best friends and their boyfriends, on this trip that those best friends so lovingly planned and paid for, mostly with their own money. So why does he feel likehe’sdoing something wrong, or at least something to bring this negativity upon himself?—Jeongin feels like the biggest third wheel in history onhis own overseas graduation trip. After a stroke of inspiration one night, he plans out a list full of ways to spend his alone time without feeling lonely.He never expected to find someone else also badly in need of a friend.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Kim Seungmin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17
Collections: Summer Solstice 2020





	tourist history

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sonus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonus/gifts).



> _TH jeongin: smart kid existential crisis  
>  real jeongin: hehe finals go brrr_
> 
> hello! this is A Thing. what started as a simple fic fest fill became a catharsis fic for me that's been _excruciating_ to write (in a fun way), haha.  
> • this will be posted in two parts. i may consolidate later.  
> • the prompt really takes off in the second part. sorry to my recipient for making you wait for The Good Stuff.
> 
> a fill for [skz summer solstice 2020!](https://twitter.com/skzficfests)  
>  **pairing:** hyunin (hyunjin/jeongin)  
>  **prompt:** A is a lifeguard at the beach and B is a tourist on holiday with his friends who are all here with their second halves, which makes B the biggest third wheel in history. He spends so much time on the beach alone that the lifeguard is almost worried.
> 
> [visuals.](https://www.pinterest.com/00lines/skz-assorted-story-boards/tourist-history-hyunin/) [music.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/29DC5LR9rTJkZAfveB9lEF)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings: exploration of anxieties about growing up (but not Anxiety - please still be careful), brief description of motion sickness, swearing
> 
> chapter title from sleeping at last’s “east”

Jeongin stares up at the ceiling, another plain white number in a string of ceilings that are decidedly not his.

His bedroom ceiling is dark blue and littered with glow-in-the-dark stars because, when his family first moved house and he got to decorate his new room all by himself, he was That kid. It has streaks where the paint has faded or is uneven, and there are small pockmarks and smaller splotches of unpainted white roof peeking through that look more like stars themselves than the faintly green plastic ones he’s since outgrown.

It, most importantly, is in his house in Korea and not in California, where he is currently lying and contemplating the bare white ceiling of an Airbnb.

Without looking away from the roof, Jeongin swipes his right arm across the comforter he’d fallen asleep on until he finds and picks up his phone. A quick glance at the time says it’s half past 5 pm, meaning it’s been just under two hours since arriving to the house, winning his own room in rock paper scissors, and promptly knocking the fuck out in said room.

He groans and sets his phone back down, reaching instead for a pillow to hug. He curls into it on his left side, away from the wall and his phone. His eyes slip shut again.

Naturally, that’s when the sliding door to the room opens and lets in all the outside light.

Jeongin whines and turns his head away from the sudden brightness, pressing his face further into the mattress. He hears a deviously delighted chuckle grow closer, then stop, then draw back.

Jeongin whines louder in recognition.

“Oh good, you’re awake. Good morning,” Seungmin says. His even tone doesn’t match the laughter just seconds before. “Don’t go anywhere, I’ll bother you in a minute.”

The door of the bathroom – unfortunately tucked away in the same den space as Jeongin’s room – swiftly slides open and shut. Jeongin lifts his head and notes Seungmin’s choice not to fully close the first door. Afternoon sunlight and poorly hushed chatter stream in from the living room. At the sight of the door left ajar, the latter seems to grow stronger.

Jeongin thinks there will be no peace the longer he stays in bed.

He rolls himself up into a sitting position, places the pillow back in its spot, reaches for his phone again, and stands up to stretch. Arms extended above his head, his ears pop and dull his hearing. No wonder he misses the exact moment Seungmin exits the bathroom and dashes to tackle hug him back onto the bed.

“ _No_ , hyung, I just got up,” Jeongin says, voice muffled into the pillows. In this position, smushed against the mattress in a vice-like hold, the most he can do is complain and feebly wiggle his feet.

Seungmin presses down his straightened legs to quell the extra movement. A thoughtful hum leaves his throat. “And you can get up again. What’s stopping you?”

Jeongin sighs.

He tries to break free again, pushing up from his shoulders. Rocking his upper body side to side, he attempts to maneuver the two of them toward the edge of the bed. And Seungmin just lets him, even using his elbows to help move them further along.

When they finally reach an angle where Jeongin can plant his feet on the ground and pull his weight out of his best friend’s grip, Seungmin lets go and stands up. Jeongin loses his balance going down and falls unceremoniously to the floor, pulling part of the comforter with him.

“Really?” Jeongin asks.

Seungmin stares down at Jeongin with his wide, scheming eyes. Jeongin thinks the older boy might do something else to mess with him, noticing the way his lips twitch and quirk to the side. But Seungmin just extends an arm for him to get up. Jeongin grabs his hand and stands up in the small space between his best friend and the bed.

A beat of silence. Then:

“Felix made us a reservation at The Cheesecake Factory for 6:30. We should walk around the beach and get familiar with the area in the meantime.”

Jeongin blinks and nods at the information. “Sure,” he says. “Just let me wash my face first. I’m sure I look so swollen right now.”

“You look normal to me,” Seungmin replies. He says this with his back already turned, heading for the door to the living room. “Be quick.”

Jeongin narrows his eyes. “Yes, mom,” he taunts.

He runs for the bathroom as Seungmin spins on his heels and lunges at him. Jeongin shuts the bathroom door on the older boy and holds it tight in case he tries to yank it open, but he doesn’t. Seungmin just makes a pleased noise and exits the den, again not fully closing the sliding panel.

Jeongin tunes out the distant relaying of information spilling into his room. He concentrates on fixing his hair and washing his face and making himself look presentable. When he’s done and out of the bathroom, he grabs his crossbody bag with all his necessary belongings, as well as a light jacket. In case.

He walks out of the room and slides the door all the way shut.

“There he is! Finally! I thought I was gonna fall asleep too.” This is Jisung, speaking from where he’s sitting on the couch.

Felix and Minho laugh beside him, and a standing Seungmin smiles close-mouthed, eyes crinkling. Jeongin pulls back his lips into a straight line, puffing up his cheeks despite the unamused face he’s trying to make.

“Hahaha. _Ha_ ,” Jeongin says. “I’m surprised you didn’t sleep enough on the drive here.”

Jisung tilts his head up at him. “You can never have too much sleep. I think I’m behind on hours, actually. Maybe I _should_ go take a nap before dinner.”

“That you will not,” Seungmin says, crossing his arms over his chest. “We’re all out here now, so let’s go walk around while it’s still bright out.”

At that, everyone sitting down stands up and makes a show of stretching. Some thirty seconds later, they all pocket their things and leave the Airbnb apartment. They climb down a flight of stairs on the side of the building and walk across the property’s communal patio to unlock the gated door leading right to Santa Monica Beach proper.

Once they cross the walking and bike paths, everything becomes sand as far as the eye can see. The ocean is vast and shimmery but a bit too far to walk to now, as is the giant pier they’ve seen so many pictures of on Instagram. Several clusters of people cross the beach in all directions, all notably in swimwear and sandals or bare feet.

Everyone suddenly looks down at their clean, brand-name shoes.

“Uh, maybe we shouldn’t walk in the sand yet?” Felix suggests.

The others quickly agree and get back onto the sidewalk in front of the Airbnb.

From there, the five of them head right toward the beach parking lot, where there’s a pedestrian bridge crossing over the highway into the rest of Santa Monica. It’s a slow, hot crawl from the beach to the three-story open shopping center where The Cheesecake Factory is, but they’re easily entertained by the buildings, and the loud flocks of beachgoers, and the thought of all of them sounding and acting the same by the end of the next two and a half weeks here.

Jeongin smiles to himself at the idea.

He’s had to remind himself more than once over the past couple weeks that this is _his_ high school graduation trip, a gift from his family and singlehandedly organized by Seungmin and Felix. It’s been easy to forget, what with the constant travel (New York to San Francisco in a week, then a long road trip down and across California) and his best friends’ boyfriends coming along.

(“For travel discounts,” Seungmin said when he booked the plane tickets, holding Minho’s hand in his left hand and Minho’s credit card in his right.)

Jeongin’s never been happier, to be fair. Until now, he’d never gone further east than Japan. All he wanted before starting university in the fall was a chance to explore a different country with his friends and have a taste of living abroad before applying to study overseas for a year.

And now he’s done that, and it’s been great so far, but.

“Felix, party of five.”

“Yes, sir. Right this way.”

The Cheesecake Factory server leads the boys to a booth somewhere near the back, where there is an extra chair sitting beside the table. The server scans the group of friends, their eyes lingering on Felix and Jisung’s linked hands, as well as Seungmin and Minho standing arm to arm, right next to each other.

They turn to Jeongin. “The last party wanted the extra chair for the same reason. Would you also like to use it?”

Something small and heavy turns over in Jeongin’s chest. “Yes, please,” he says in English. “Thank you.”

The server nods and stands off to the side, waiting for the couples to sit in the booth before handing out menus and going about their business.

When the boys finish dinner, and they’ve explored all the floors of the shopping center, Jeongin homes in on the new, weird feeling in his chest. He stands behind his friends as they ride the long escalator down to the ground floor, since there’s only enough room for two on a single step. He looks at Jisung animatedly telling Felix something, and at Minho and Seungmin separately surveying the shops while still linking pinkies.

And then there’s just him, holding all their dessert and leftovers in a big to-go bag and fiddling with the crossbody strap threatening to slip off his shoulder. By himself.

Just like how he’ll be in college.

Jeongin shakes his head. Those are shitty friend thoughts. And they _just_ got here. He’s probably just feeling the nerves from being in an unfamiliar place, that’s all.

But still he can’t help scanning the rest of the people on the first floor, as a distraction.

There are giggly groups of teens his younger brother’s age, and big families taking pictures on benches and by luxury storefronts. Couples are everywhere this late, every pairing lost in their own little world. He doesn’t really dwell much on the individual people, alone and drifting.

A trio of boys maybe a couple years older than Jeongin then attract his attention. They pass by the bottom of the escalator as the vacationers start to get off at the first floor. The trio is loud and mostly short and mostly tan.

Jeongin accidentally makes eye contact with the tall tan one and holds it for some reason, even as Jeongin’s step hits the ground and he walks off the escalator.

They’re almost the same height.

The other person blinks and turns away first, following his friends toward a coffee booth somewhere to the right of the main landing. Jeongin thinks he hears one of them slip into easy, conversational Korean for a moment. He startles.

Jeongin watches the trio walk away for a few seconds before he rejoins his own friends in heading back to the house.

☼

Something clatters on the kitchen counter loud enough to wake Jeongin the next morning.

He startles into consciousness and quickly sits up under his comforter, squinting into the dimness of the room. He blindly taps out a dashed line across the nightstand with his left hand until he finds his phone. It’s a little after 10 am. Jeongin sighs.

Everyone went to bed late after dinner last night and chose to sleep in, since they were collectively sick of being stuck in Minho’s rented van deep into the night these past several days.

Well, mostly everyone, it seems.

Jeongin rubs at his eyes and face and neck with the backs of his hands. He yawns and climbs out of bed, feet slipping into complimentary sandals that carry him to the bathroom.

Once refreshed, he leaves the room and rounds the corner of the short wall to the tiny kitchen. There, he sees Felix with his back to the stove, arms outstretched like a guard, and Jisung a few feet away with his hands raised in surrender.

There’s a small serrated knife on the floor. Several new, fresh, half-chopped ingredients rest on a flattened reusable bag, and a single empty plate sits just above the lip of the sink. It’s wet but not broken.

Yet, Jeongin figures.

“Is that your way of waking us up without an alarm?” he asks, voice groggy. He yawns. “Because it works, but I don’t like it.”

Felix and Jisung look up at him in surprise. Felix draws his lips back and offers a hint of a smile. “No, sorry Jeongin-ah. We didn’t mean to wake you,” he says. “I just wanted to cook a late breakfast for everyone, but _someone_ —”

“I _said_ I was right behind you, but _you_ didn’t hear me. At least the plate didn’t break,” Jisung says when Felix fixes a hollow glare on him. The former deflates. “Sorry, Lix. I’ll just stand over here and watch.”

Felix sighs. “No, Sungie, you’re going to finish chopping the vegetables like you said you would. There’s some counter space to your left, by where you’re standing. The chef’s knife, the big one, is in this drawer—” he cocks his hip to the right, where there’s a small pull-out drawer “—and the cutting board is down here.”

At this, Felix’s bare foot gently taps a narrow bottom cabinet to the left of the oven. Then he pads over to Jisung and places his hands on his shoulders. Jisung lowers his arms and follows suit.

“You’re right. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you,” Felix says, voice hushed. He tilts his head down to meet Jisung’s eyes, gaze warm.

Jeongin realizes a beat late that they’re suddenly Having A Moment, and he quickly backpedals out of the kitchen. He runs into the bed part of the pull-out couch and lets out a soft _Oof_ , slightly thrown off balance, then he turns around and takes slow, giant, dramatic steps over to the dining table by the window. He sits in the chair with the ocean view to his right.

From there, he can see two, even sleepier people than him stumble out of their loft bed and down the staircase.

A rooster headed Seungmin makes it down first and almost runs into the den door. He wrenches the panel open with a weak groan and disappears into the darkness. Minho takes his time, both on the walk down and in the bathroom after, but both are soon out and sitting next to each other at the table, joining everyone else to eat.

Sometime after their late breakfast, the vacationers leave for the beach. It’s only around 11:30 am, but families and other small parties of people already crowd the outside space.

The boys find a sizeable open spot up on a slight hill of sturdier sand, maybe thirty or forty feet from where the dregs of the waves meet the shore. Everyone lays down their towels and bags and other unneeded things, then they dash toward the open water.

After an hour, a couple games of chicken, and several strong waves knocking him over, Jeongin thinks he’s ingested more saltwater now than ever before. He and a spluttering Jisung (thanks to Felix dropping him during the last game of chicken) dry off first and worm their way into a casual beach volleyball bracket, because why not.

They lose both sets, but only barely.

At about 1:30, everyone meets back up for a quick sandwich and chips lunch Felix and Jisung made earlier and brought in a small cooler. Somehow, they all migrate from their individual towels into a weird squished sitting formation with Jeongin in the middle. Seungmin and Jisung’s heads lean against his bare shoulders, and Minho and Felix rest their legs on their respective boyfriends’ laps. They all share snacks and chat shit about some of the people they’ve come across on the beach so far.

It’s nice. Almost like when they were all in high school, except way less sunny and sweat-sticky.

Jeongin is content.

Then lunch ends and they all reapply sunscreen to tan and relax for a bit.

“Are we going to keep swimming after this?” Jeongin asks a while later. He sits up slightly, both elbows supporting his weight, just to gauge the others’ reactions.

Felix, Jisung, and Minho don’t move a muscle. Seungmin doesn’t get up, but his lips twist in thought. “I was thinking about checking out the pier,” he says.

Felix and Jisung’s eyes fly open.

“Wait, can we come too?” Felix asks, pushing himself up onto one arm.

“We won’t bother you any more than usual,” Jisung says. He shoots up into a crisscrossed sitting position, body already thrumming with energy. He looks down at an unbothered Minho, expression still neutral, then at Seungmin again. Jisung winks. “Pinky promise.”

Seungmin huffs air out his nose, unimpressed. He levels a look up at the two excitable blonds. No one backs down.

“Alright, fair enough,” Seungmin says, sighing. He hoists himself up and turns to the side. “Jeongin, do you want to come with us?”

“Actually, I was going to swim some more and then look for a place to rent some bikes,” Jeongin starts, “but I can join you after. Just let me know where you guys are so I don’t lose track of you.”

“Sounds good to me,” Felix says. “Should we go now then?”

The other three make noises of agreement and slowly stand up to pack their things. Jeongin soon waves them off and watches them go, both couples walking hand in hand. He exhales a deep breath and turns back to face the water, observing other couples and families swimming and laughing together.

He pays no mind to the two lifeguards staring at him from their post.

Later, at dinner with his friends, Jeongin presents an idea.

“I found a place to rent bikes from,” he begins.

The others stop their hushed discussions and look to Jeongin at the head of the table. He continues. “The store owner was nice, and the bikes are cheap. I was thinking maybe we could all rent some tomorrow and ride them up north or down south to the other beaches, since we don’t have any set plans. Yeah.”

He coughs weakly, feeling his cheeks heat up, and casts his eyes down on his almost-finished Jidori chicken.

Seungmin and Felix look at each other with slight alarm, then turn to their significant others. Minho’s face puckers like he ate a lemon, and Jisung’s eyes widen and his shoulders raise in defense. All of them grimace and look back at Jeongin, whose eyes flicker upward at the same time.

“We all, uh,” Felix starts. His mouth opens and closes a couple times in the search for what to say next.

Seungmin sighs. “I’m sorry, Jeongin. We talked about splitting up again tomorrow and forgot to tell you.”

Felix nods. “Right, exactly. Hannie and I are going to the aquarium on the pier in the morning, and then we’re gonna check out the amusement park,” he says. “But you’re more than welcome to come with us! We haven’t bought tickets yet or anything.”

“We’re going to drive around to find more things for us all to do,” Minho says suddenly. “And also so we don’t get the car towed.”

Jeongin frowns at this. He knows Felix and Seungmin left this part of the vacation open on purpose, for them all to move at their own pace with no strict scheduled events, but Minho’s reasoning seems out of character. Seungmin is fond of researching interesting spots to visit ahead of time, that way he’s never at a loss when planning. And Minho may be a shitty driver, but he’s been incredibly on top of parking in this state.

Hmm.

“Again, you’re free to join. Us or them, I mean,” Seungmin says. His expression is apologetic, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

The others stare at Jeongin with pointed interest, some of them also nursing unfinished food. A burst of inspiration hits him just then. He cuts his last piece of chicken in two and eats both halves before speaking. His thoughts bounce off the walls of his brain with every bite.

“I think I’ll have another lazy morning then,” he begins, “but I could meet up with you around lunch? Felix-hyung?”

Felix blinks in surprise but nods. “Yeah, of course, Yeni,” he says. He looks at Jisung, who shakes his head vigorously and flashes a thumbs up.

Jeongin smiles, but just barely. His appetite has fled just in time for dessert.

The time between the end of dinner and making it back home is blurry. Jeongin remembers bits of them all laughing at Seungmin feigning nausea after one subpar salted chocolate chip cookie, and of himself enjoying the still, humid night during the walk across the bridge.

But then they’re at home and taking turns showering. Each of them returns to sit facing the pull-out TV on the wall above the den door.

Jeongin showers last and walks into the living room with a small towel wrapped around his neck. He sees the couples spread out across the couch and floor, all with their phones out and open. He steps around Seungmin’s laptop and plops down beside Jisung on the couch.

Minho smiles at him from the floor. “Just in time, Yeni. We’re playing Jackbox tonight.”

A glance at the laptop and TV reveals the screens already on the Trivia Murder Party join page. Jeongin feels his earlier frustrations dissipate – for now – with the steam of the hot shower.

He grins and opens his phone.

☼

At 6:00 am the next morning, Jeongin is already out of the Airbnb and at the beach.

He’s in track pants and a worn-in white tee shirt, and he has a backpack on with a nicer change of clothes and other necessities in it, but he’s not prepared for anything specific.

The sun hasn’t yet risen and it’s rather chilly still. He skipped breakfast because no one else in the house is awake or knows he’s gone. All _he_ knows is he can’t sleep and his mind needs clearing.

Thus, the beach.

There are a few people milling about, most of them lifeguards. A small cluster of other people stand on the raised sand near the water, each of them holding a rolled-up exercise mat and bags of their own. Jeongin watches the group grow as the sky lightens, and he realizes they’re here to workout with the sunrise as soon as eleven people unfurl their mats in near unison.

He looks down at himself.

Admittedly, he didn’t feel like running, and taking a long walk would force him to confront his thoughts again. And these pants aren’t so tight on him that they’ll restrict his range of motion.

Jeongin glances back at the property and sees no one in the patio or in the Airbnb window. He exhales loudly and marches toward the exercise circle.

Everyone turns toward him as he approaches.

The group is mostly older people, older than his parents, with who he assumes is the coach or instructor, maybe in her mid-30s, and a young teenager next to her the closest to his age.

Jeongin’s throat constricts as he reaches the group, but he resists the urge to run away. He just said he didn’t feel like running today. He bows on instinct.

“Good morning,” he says in English. “Is this- Would it be… May I please join?”

The instructor smiles politely and motions to the sand with an open hand. “You’re more than welcome to follow along as best as you can, dear,” she replies. “This is a beginner’s yoga session, our first one.”

Jeongin takes the extra second to process the translation and bows his head again, saying a small “Thank you” before finding a spot, shucking off his backpack and slides onto the ground, and yanking out his beach towel to stand on. By the time he’s in place, the sunrise begins to poke out from behind the mountains and above the line of waterfront buildings.

The yoga instructor takes this as her cue to begin.

“Alright, friends, welcome to sunrise yoga. We’re going to begin by standing tall at the edge of your mat or towel,” she says. “Bring your feet together and squeeze your legs like so. When you’re ready, bring your hands to your heart in a praying position. Close your eyes and take a deep breath in… and out.”

Jeongin already feels out of his depth: alone, eyes closed, surrounded by strangers in a foreign country on a foreign beach. He knows how to stretch but by himself, not with others, and never like this. Every new detail feels sharp against a blurred background, sticking out, unusual and overwhelming.

The yoga instructor guides the group through a forward fold and a series of arm stretches, her voice gentle but assured. When they lower into a cobra-like pose and he places his weight on his fingertips, Jeongin feels his mental unsteadiness translated into shifting sand and an upset balance.

All his concentration falls to keeping his lower body and legs still as he moves his upper body in a controlled wave, up and down, before moving up into a plank and then a downward facing dog. One by one, many of his more fleeting thoughts float away.

What’s left are his mental instructions – inhale, exhale, reach up to the sky in warrior pose, don’t tilt the pelvis forward – and the major, lingering worries. The ones he’s afraid to poke at.

Across the way, the lifeguards go about their own workouts and pass the yoga group as they run. Jeongin’s eyes latch onto three familiar ones in the crowd, the same trio he noticed at the mall.

There’s the shorter, tan one, outfitted in the same plain black baseball cap he wore the other night. He’s in a tight white shirt and red windbreaker pants that ripple nicely. The pale, curly-haired blond is the only one of all the lifeguards wearing a quarter-zip fleece for the morning breeze, but he’s paired it with board shorts, which baffles Jeongin.

And then there’s the tall, tan one.

What stands out today more than the last time is his hair. Long and black, swept up into one of the better messy ponytails Jeongin thinks he’s ever seen. Loose wavy tendrils frame his smiling face, which is surprisingly disarming for being so striking.

He’s wearing a simple white tee shirt and red shorts. No strange clothing choices to stand out so much, yet still he does.

Jeongin nearly loses his balance again staring for so long, and he forgets to focus as he walks his feet up from a wide stance into a mountain pose. He exhales loudly, accidentally drawing the attention of one of the oldest men in the group.

Jeongin whispers a small “Sorry”. The man huffs and looks away.

Jeongin bends his knees and squats down until he’s rolled into a small pod, curled into himself and standing on the balls of his feet, and steadying himself with his hands.

Down here, he can’t see the three guys pointing him out while they stretch with the other lifeguards. He can’t hear them speak about him in hushed tones. He feels a curious gaze bore into his back but, down here, he can’t know whose.

All Jeongin knows is the sand, and his breath, and the flexing of his muscles as he drops his heels and slowly rolls up into a standing position.

“Inhale in, reach for the sky. Exhale, hands to heart,” the yoga instructor says. “Close your eyes. Take one more quiet, peaceful moment for yourself.”

There is no peace in Jeongin’s head.

Instead, all the big worries suddenly flood in amidst the silence. Not just the burgeoning feelings of loneliness from the past two days, which are new and prickly. But also the buried ones.

University. The high pressure to succeed and the bitter sting of disappointment. Probably not being able to see or talk to his friends outside of holidays once classes start.

Knowing most of this is in his control, and that there isn’t really anything to be so scared of, but still succumbing to the irrational fear he’s invented.

Not telling anyone about any of this. Dreadfully watching the emotional Tetris blocks stack up until the screen is full and the game is over.

“Take one final breath in through your nose.”

Jeongin does.

“And together we’ll exhale, bowing head to heart.”

A shaky release of breath. Jeongin imagines his stresses following his breath out of his body and dissolving in the brisk air. He fights to fixate not on them, but instead on the muscles in the back of his neck pulling as his head rests on the tops of his fingertips.

“Be yourself. Be kind to yourself. And then treat others the same way,” the yoga instructor says. “You may now open your eyes.”

Jeongin blinks rapidly. The instructor smiles at the group.

“That’s it for this first 15-minute part of the session,” she continues. “We are going to take a small five-minute break between routines. If you need to go, or feel you’ve gotten all you can from this morning’s exercises so far, you are free to leave. Just speak with me about payment if you haven’t already taken care of it.”

Jeongin checks his phone. It’s only around 6:30.

He isn’t tired, but he is more relaxed, and his brain feels lighter than when he arrived. He tucks his phone away and bends to pick up and shake out his beach towel.

A couple minutes later, when all the people talking to the instructor have gone, he approaches her. She again smiles at him without judgment.

“Hello again, dear,” she starts. “I can speak English, Spanish, and Mandarin. Which would be the best for you?”

“English, please,” Jeongin says, swallowing the impulse to shrink away.

The instructor nods. “English, it is. Did you find this session helpful?”

“Yes, thank you. I’m sorry for, uh, coming out of nowhere,” Jeongin replies. He toys with the strap of his backpack out of habit, then he slings the bag over his right shoulder to the front of his body. He slides a hand across the canvas to unzip the small front pocket and grab his wallet.

“That’s alright.” The instructor holds up a hand and lightly laughs. “Sometimes, the most random things call out to us and end up being exactly what we needed at the time.

“You don’t have to pay me for your curiosity,” she says. “I just hope I could help you with whatever troubles brought you here.”

Jeongin freezes and lets his wallet fall back in the bag. He zips up the pocket again and stands up straight, holding his backpack close.

“Are- are you sure?” he asks.

The instructor shakes her head. “Yes, I’m sure. If you insist on paying, however, you’re more than welcome to join another session while you’re here.” She squats down to reach into her own bag and pulls out an informational pamphlet for Sunshine Yoga.

Jeongin takes the pamphlet. “Thank you,” he says. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“That’s all I can ask for,” the yoga instructor replies. “Thank you for joining us today. Remember to be kind to yourself and others. It’s not just a saying, you know.”

Then the instructor bows her head and turns away, facing the last person who needs to speak with her.

Jeongin quickly takes his own leave. Before he gets too far, though, he looks over his shoulder to where he saw the lifeguards finishing their own workouts. The group has mostly dispersed, and the familiar trio are out of sight.

He turns and heads back to the house.

There, he finds no one awake yet. Felix and Jisung are still an unconscious tangle of blankets and limbs on the pull-out sofa bed and, if he stands on his tiptoes and strains his neck enough, Jeongin can see Seungmin and Minho unmoving in the loft.

Jeongin creeps across the room as carefully as he can, bracing himself for the snap of the sliding den door as he pries it from the wall and moves it along the track.

Behind him, Felix shifts but says nothing. Jeongin makes a face.

The younger boy hurries into the room, shuts the sliding door back all the way despite the click of the latch in place, and washes his face before falling into bed again for another couple hours.

In the late morning, after everyone else has gone, Jeongin makes himself a small breakfast and rifles through his YouTube subscription feed while he cooks and eats some eggs. Neither Felix nor Jisung have texted him yet, so he takes his time eating and changing into the clothes he had in his backpack.

Breezy green polo-type shirt and dark wash jeans, cuffed. A baseball cap and a pair of nice black sneakers, but not so nice he’ll be upset if a random kid spills their soda on them at the amusement park.

At 11-ish, Felix texts.

Jeongin grabs his bag and key, then he leaves the apartment and treks down to the pier. It’s not that far, really, but the sudden wave of heat and humidity make it feel that way. He starts to sweat by the time he meets Felix and Jisung at the edge of the pier.

“Looking nice, Jeongin-ah,” Felix says.

“Thanks.” Jeongin notices something new about them and holds in a snort. “Oh no. You bought _matching_ tee shirts?”

The other two boys are wearing dark gray shirts with an octopus design and HEAL BAY boxed in red. It’s not the most obviously tourist-y thing in the world, but the couple’s shirts are really what gets to Jeongin.

Jisung fishes a pendant out from under his collar. “Necklaces, too!”

 _That’s_ what breaks Jeongin into a fit of laughter. Tears spring from the corners of his eyes as he takes in the sight of his friends. “Wow,” he says, wiping away a stray tear. “Please never change.”

The couple laughs as well, relieved he’s not seriously making fun of them.

“Let’s go in then,” Jeongin continues. His sharp eyes narrow playfully. “Maybe we can find you guys some matching hats and magnets.”

After two rides, Felix and Jisung have realized the error of their ways.

First thing, Jeongin remembers too late, is their continued, shared low tolerance of rollercoasters. The two of them have learned to enjoy them and aren’t as affected by the speed and height like they used to be, but that’s a recent development. Jeongin could ride rides all day and night, but Felix and Jisung already have shaky legs after getting off the West Coaster.

To their credit, they’re still smiley and joke about how brave Jeongin is and how much he’s grown up, truly. But he can _see_ their energy drain, in the way their eyes glaze over and Felix’s mouth doesn’t close all the way, like he’s perpetually at a loss for words.

When Jeongin suggests they ride the Sea Dragon before getting food, Jisung pales. Felix grips his boyfriend’s hand harder.

Jeongin exhales. Second thing is that, as much as he’s having fun, he doesn’t want his friends to get sick or grow resentful. He knows they should split up.

He says as much.

“Yeni, are you sure?” Felix asks. “We’ll be okay on another ride. Right, Ji?”

Jisung’s eyes widen and he pastes on a toothy, close-mouthed grin. His jaw clenches. “Yep! We’ll be perfectly… fine,” he says, taking a loud breath between words.

Felix’s bright expression flickers.

Jeongin shakes his head and waves his hand. “Yeah, right. You bought my ticket, the least I can do is make sure you don’t throw up. I’ll see you around.”

“But are you _sure_ —”

“Thanks, Yeni!” Jisung smiles for real and pulls Felix’s hand toward the midway games. “Meet you for lunch when we’re done!”

And the two of them disappear into the throng of people.

Jeongin nods to no one and enters the queue for the Sea Dragon Viking-style ride.

As the giant boat swings back and forth, and Jeongin prays his hat doesn’t fly off on this sort of ride again, the heavier negative thoughts return.

He’s by himself now, but he’s not _alone_. He knows that. He’s not lonely. But he spent a lot of the day apart from his friends – he hasn’t seen or talked to Seungmin and Minho at all. And that’s normal, it’s not as if he’s never been apart from his friends before, but it’s hitting different now and he doesn’t know why.

This is what frustrates Jeongin the most.

He’s on this exciting overseas trip with his best friends and their boyfriends, on this trip that those best friends so lovingly planned and paid for, mostly with their own money. So why does he feel like _he’s_ doing something wrong, or at least something to bring this negativity upon himself?

It’s when the boat is vertical and he’s staring at the ground from so high up in the air that he finally feels his stomach lurch.

His eyes bug out and he swallows the hot acid climbing his throat. The boat swings forward and water rips from his eyes. His brain turns to mush and stays that way until the ride ends and the safety bar lifts from his waist.

Jeongin stumbles off the ride and leans against the side of a booth to keep himself standing. He fights his bag open to grab the overpriced water bottle he bought earlier, and he easily downs a third of it. He gasps for air.

Never in his life has motion sickness hit that hard.

Really, he tells himself, he’s working himself up over nothing. It’s only their second full day in Santa Monica. They’ve been attached at the hip all vacation so far. It’s fine if his friends want some space and time to themselves. It’s fine. _It’s fine_.

When he catches his breath and the world stops spinning, he takes another cautious sip of water. A nearby clock post says it’s a few minutes after noon. He’s not hungry yet but he doesn’t think he can stomach another ride right now.

Jeongin finds his footing and adds himself to the sea of people moving across the park. He’s not sure where he’ll end up, but anything is better than where he is right now.

After bumper cars with Felix and Jisung, the three of them end the day in the giant Ferris wheel overlooking the coastline, because of course they do. The couple gets their own passenger car, and Jeongin has the one behind them all to himself.

The wheel spins slowly and pauses occasionally to pick up other riders, allowing them to take pictures and enjoy the view.

“Jeongin-ah! Isn’t this so cool?” Felix yells, a few yards away. Both their cars are at the top of the wheel when it stops a second time.

Jeongin can barely hear him, but he grins and flashes a thumbs up. “The view is so pretty from up here! How’s Jisung-hyung?”

“I’m fine!” Jisung doesn’t _look_ all that fine, gripping onto the edge of the car for dear life, but he smiles and screams anyway. “Take a picture of us! It’ll look incredible!”

“You guys are really far away, but I guess,” Jeongin says.

He walks to the other side of his car to get closer to Felix and Jisung, who side hug each other and pose a few different ways. Jeongin zooms in like he’s seriously getting them in frame, but most of the pictures end up being of his own face, just to mess with them later.

He does capture a few good shots though, his favorites being one where the two of them hold up their arms to make a heart, and another where he accidentally got them between expressions, and they looked lost. Jeongin laughs.

The descent is the smoother portion of the ride.

Jeongin takes a few selfies and pictures of the wide-open ocean, both of which calm him down, but he forces himself to revisit the Sea Dragon incident.

Looking at his friends now, quiet in the other cart, they seem way livelier than when he first met up with them today, and definitely more than he’s seen them since New York. The two of them always wear matching smitten expressions when they’re together, but the plane travel and road trip with the others subdued the intensity of their fondness for each other.

Seeing it at its strongest now, Jeongin knows his friends needed this freedom and time alone to just be with each other. It’s nothing wrong with him and nothing that he did.

Whether the rest of his concerns – university and all that – are justified is a different matter altogether. Maybe all his old bad thoughts just blended and formed something far darker than they started as. That doesn’t resolve the problems yet, and he knows refusing ever to voice them to his friends or further examine their origins now will only hurt more later, but the small thread of logic anchors him to a bit of hope.

The heavy thing in his chest lightens some. It lets him look out at the endless ocean in this moment and not worry about what awaits him on the other side.

The Ferris wheel returns Jeongin and the couple to the pier, and the sunshine pair exit the ride giddy to look at Jeongin’s pictures of them. (Now that he thinks about it, he didn’t see them take any pictures of him.) Jisung yells when he sees Jeongin’s zoomed-in face taking up most of the gallery.

Very normal.

Jeongin tries to clear his head again as they leave the park. Hopefully, dinner together with the five of them will reassure him enough to last the rest of the trip.

☼

They don’t all have dinner together.

Jeongin, Felix, and Jisung return to the house around 5 pm. Their skin is hot and they’re exhausted, but both are nothing a shower can’t fix. They all wash up and change into comfy clothes, preparing to order in when the others arrive.

6 pm. 6:30. No sign of Seungmin or Minho.

The other three watch a couple episodes of RWBY (a Minho recommendation) before they realize. All their stomachs growl, as if punctuating the thought.

“Oh shit,” Felix says. “You think they’re okay?”

“Probably,” Jeongin replies, still looking at the TV. “They wouldn’t stay out without telling us what they’re up to.”

Felix twists his lips. “I guess. Maybe we should still call them?”

“Already on it,” Jisung says, switching apps on his phone. He scrolls and selects Minho’s contact name, pressing the speaker button.

A couple rings, then “Jisung.”

“Seungmin-ah! Where are you guys?” Jisung asks, a touch too loudly. Jeongin and Felix wince. “Where’s Minho-hyung?”

“Driving,” Minho says. “Cool it with the yelling please, you’re on speaker.”

“Oh, same. The speaker thing, not the driving thing.” Jisung stops hunching over the microphone. “Anyway, driving to where? Or from where? Are you on your way back already?”

“We’re stuck in traffic,” Seungmin says. “It looks like there was an accident on the freeway. We’re almost parked.”

“Damn,” Felix says. “How long do you think it’ll be?”

“Beats me. I don’t remember the last time we moved more than a few feet,” Seungmin replies. “Sorry to keep you all waiting.”

“That’s okay, hyung,” Jeongin says. “Should we wait to have dinner?”

Someone hums, and a few seconds of silence pass. Then Minho speaks up. “No, don’t worry about it. We’ll eat as soon as we can. You guys go on ahead.”

Jeongin, Felix, and Jisung all look at each other.

“Are you sure?” Jeongin asks. “It’s no problem, we can wait for you.”

“It’s fine, Yeni. The three of you go have dinner,” Minho replies.

Jeongin looks at Felix, then at Jisung, and grins. “But are you _sure_?”

Jisung makes a knowing face. “Ugh, not you too,” he says, shoving a delighted Jeongin aside. Jisung leans over the phone again. “We’ll enjoy our food. Keep us posted, stay safe, bye!”

He hangs up. Jeongin and Felix snort.

“I know you’re hungry, hyung, but you should’ve at least let them say goodbye,” Jeongin says. “What if traffic started moving right then?”

“Well, too bad,” Jisung says. He stands up and pockets his phone in his sweatpants. “My stomach sounds like a lion. I need to eat.”

Felix looks up at Jisung from the couch. “Uh, aren’t we still ordering delivery?” he asks.

Jisung tilts his head. “Oh, yeah huh. Well, I mean, if they’re not gonna be back in time, can’t we just go out too? It’s like an accidental couples’ night!”

Jeongin narrows his eyes. He leans his body past Felix to have a clear view of Jisung.

“Okay, first, you? Turning down a night in? And am I just air to you, hyung?” Jeongin asks, exaggerating a frown. The words spill from his mouth, saying anything to counter the negative thoughts becoming second nature in his head.

“Why not? The night is young,” Jisung says. “And you’re the air I need to survive, Jeongin-ah. But Felix is what keeps me going. If you’re the matter, he’s my energy, or something like that.”

“Weird,” Felix says.

“Gross,” Jeongin says at the same time.

“ _Anyway._ ” Jisung walks over to the closet under the staircase where he and Felix have most of their clothes. “Would you mind if we went out for dinner instead? You can come with.”

Jeongin side-eyes Felix, who just shrugs.

“Up to you,” Felix says. “You could just walk with us and then eat somewhere different, if you want.”

Jeongin takes a few seconds. His brain is only a loop of _It’s okay, they just want some time alone to be with each other_. _It’s okay, they just want-_

His mouth moves faster than his thoughts. He says sure.

Jisung, still digging through clothes, sticks his arm out behind him and shoots Jeongin a thumbs up. “Sounds good! Change clothes if you want,” he says.

The three of them don’t dress up so much as they switch layers and add accessories, but it’s enough to make them feel different. They grab their things and leave the apartment, and the three of them walk the familiar path across the bridge and into Downtown.

Jeongin finds he’s already well acquainted with the streets after only two days, pointing out the restaurant they ate dinner at last night and the street performers along 3rd St. that attract surprisingly large crowds of people for some reason, no matter the act.

The first night, after The Cheesecake Factory, all five of them walked down part of the 3rd St. Promenade on the way home, past a movie theater and so many bright clothing stores on either side of the street. They resolved to come back here in the daytime and window shop together.

Now it’s just three of them, and they walk by streams of people flowing in both directions.

Not even a full block later, Felix and Jisung stop in front of a late night boba shop. They almost start bouncing in place and swing their arms like little kids at a playground.

“This is it,” Jisung says. “I can feel it.”

“Yup, definitely this place.” Felix meets Jeongin’s distracted gaze head-on. “You sure you’re gonna be alright, Jeongin-ah?”

 _No._ “Yeah, hyung, don’t worry about me. Enjoy your – ugh – date, you two.”

“Don’t ‘ugh’ us, you brat,” Jisung says, reaching to capture Jeongin in a hug.

Jeongin hops away and Felix wraps his arms around Jisung’s waist from the front, pushing the latter back toward the doors of the boba shop. Jisung flails his arms a bit for show and mouths something Jeongin can’t make out. The younger laughs.

“Have a good meal, Yeni! Text us if you need anything,” Felix says.

Jeongin waves them off into the shop, then spins in a circle to scan his surroundings. He’s not quite sure what to do or where to go. His appetite died down again, leaving just the noise in his head he’s starting to be sick of.

He walks back down the way they came, toward 3rd St.

Jeongin explores the other side of the Promenade, heading toward Wilshire Blvd. Looking up at all the shops on this side makes him feel small, so he keeps his eyes forward over most people’s heads.

The sound of a small band, playing cover songs in English he vaguely recognizes, fills his ears. It’s not the worst thing he’s ever heard. He shuffles out of the foot traffic line and stands by an empty metal bike rack to watch.

People a bit older than him surround a trio of significantly older people. Both groups seem so carefree, lost and swaying in the swell of the live music. Most people just glance over at the entertainment and move on, but all these people are finding the smallest ounce of solace here, even if for a mere moment.

The pressure in Jeongin’s chest builds again. He continues walking down the street.

He spots another movie theater like the one he saw the first night, playing who knows what. It’s a bit after 7 pm. He shrugs to himself and buys a ticket for whatever poster catches his eye first, buying overpriced theater food for dinner.

The movie ends around 10 pm.

Jeongin feels bloated from buttery popcorn and slightly emotional from the family story hitting harder than he expected. Walking out of the theater behind groups of older women is a fever dream, like all post-movie experiences. Except here, in the salty sea breeze, he’s not lost remembering what happened in the film so much as he’s painfully aware of the present.

Under the lights of the awning, Jeongin looks out at the storefronts. It’s late, and they’re closed. No one’s texted or called to check up on him, and he doesn’t want to go home.

Maybe, he thinks as his feet start moving of their own volition, he should be the last one home. Have the others wonder where _he_ is, for a change.

It feels petty. He knows it is. But the ache in his chest from tearing up in the theater isn’t going away, and he isn’t going to get lost. Even as he walks to Arizona Ave and turns left onto it, a street he hasn’t ventured on yet, the town already feels comfortable.

And, if all else fails, every street leads him to the beach.

He walks across another bridge, eyes snagging on the padlocks chained to the fences. Friends and families and lovers, memories made and locked in place. He wonders whether the usual bridge, the one by Broadway, has the same decorations.

If so, he’s never noticed.

Jeongin passes the bike shop he rented from yesterday as he crosses a parking lot. He pulls a face at the dark building. The bikes themselves were cheap, but the rental fees and too-strict policies weren’t worth the ride. He knows Seungmin would try to haggle with the guy, if they all ever go to rent bikes with him.

He makes a mental note to find another place, in case.

Down he walks on a wooden foot path, past a building with bathroom stalls and several of those big outdoor shower clusters. He doesn’t take his shoes off yet. As the water grows closer, Jeongin thinks about how far he wants to go.

He flicks away a whisper to walk into the waves.

Finally, he chooses to stop at the tip of the footpath and pulls his light jacket out of his bag to sit on. He stretches out his legs and leans back on his hands, just watching the ocean ebb and flow.

There’s no noise, save for the crash of the water and a couple distant voices. His thoughts take that space and run rampant, left to roam freely in his head. Rather than drown them out in the sound of the waves, he listens.

Maybe he’s making himself feel bad right now, but the feelings came from somewhere. He was the last of his friends left in high school. Everyone else graduated first and was away at college. Leaving was no fault of theirs, but they were his core group, the ones who took him in when he moved up to Seoul.

He knew Seungmin from childhood, and he bonded with Felix as transfer students. They introduced him to Minho and Jisung, and then to his other friends. The rest was history.

Minho left for university first, but Jeongin wasn’t close with him then. His leaving didn’t affect him too much, not like it did Jisung (Minho’s best friend) and Seungmin (Minho’s then-antagonist).

The next two years were Jeongin and the millennium kids, soon becoming irreversibly inseparable, but then they left too.

Senior year was lonely, but Jeongin wasn’t alone. He had friends in his own year, and students in lower years who looked to him for leadership and academic standing (for some reason). But they weren’t Seungmin and Felix, or Jisung and Minho.

Those four are who mattered the most to him. Matter the most to him now.

Jeongin watches a giant wave pound into the shore, just as the root of the problem hits him. The weight of both crash on either side of his head like cymbals.

He doesn’t want his friends to abandon him.

A single tear from his left eye runs down his cheek. Nothing more.

The realization feels a bit silly. Jeongin laughs weakly to himself. It seems like too large of a leap to take, after seeing his friends rightfully wanting to spend time with their significant others. But he thinks about it.

They’re his friends, yes, but they’re their own people first. And all of them already go to different schools and live their own lives apart from him. Neither of those facts make their friendships with Jeongin any less real or strong.

Still, though.

Jeongin swallows around a lump in his throat. _But what if they grow_ too _far apart?_

Many of his friendships have faded over time, but he’s never cut ties with anyone. He still has a quarterly pen pal from elementary school, and a fair share of group chats across platforms from different cities he’s lived in. None of those people are Seungmin and Felix, but Jeongin still considers those people friends even if they don’t.

But these people here. Seungmin and Felix and Jisung and Minho. These _are_ his people, too, despite what he said. He doesn’t think he could stand to lose them.

This is where his thoughts lose their footing. Jeongin knows there’s more to unravel, but just this much is more than he’s ever stared at in the face. A fear beyond general university anxiety, the surface level thing he thought would solve all his problems once he starts school and overcomes it, like he knows he will.

And he knows. He knows all this logically, and he knows a lot of these feelings are irrational and easily reversible, if he just said something.

But knowing and feeling, knowing and _saying something_ , are vastly different. And Jeongin knows this, but does he?

He exhales. The weight in his chest splits into two smaller pieces, feeling lighter but inflicting the same amount of pain. Maybe, like the chicken from the other night, he just has to cut each piece down into manageable amounts.

That gets a real laugh out of him, and it breaks the stillness in the air. A breeze picks up, and a trio of late-night beachgoers, further up and along the way from him, hike toward the parking lot.

Jeongin looks down at his phone, open to the Notes app, and drags a finger down from the top of the screen to check the time. It’s 10:45. The beach closes at 11 pm.

With a heavy sigh, he stands up. He shakes out his jacket, slings his bag onto his shoulder, and walks back across the deck toward the house.

The trio watch him leave.

☼

When Jeongin wakes next, the ceiling is hazy. Spots in his still-puffy eyes float around his vision like makeshift stars dancing on the roof.

He arrived home after 11 last night to find the house still dark and empty. Getting ready for bed was a blur, but he did, and he passed out so hard he has no memory of anything between hitting the sheets and now.

It’s around 8 am. He can hear someone’s loud footsteps in the kitchen.

Jeongin washes up and tiptoes out of his room. He sees Felix and Jisung still asleep and Minho pulling a glass of coffee from the fridge.

“Morning, Jeongin-ah,” Minho says. “You look rough.”

“Ha. Thanks.”

Minho extends his hand with the cup. “Want some coffee? I made espresso for iced Americanos last night. I hope it still tastes good.”

Jeongin offers a small smile. “Yeah, sure hyung,” he says. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Minho turns to reach for another glass. He holds the vessels over the sink and pours maybe 45 percent of the coffee into Jeongin’s cup. “When’d you get home last night, Yeni? You were out cold when Seungmin and I came back.”

Jeongin blinks. His eyes linger on Minho probably thinking about adding ice cubes, with the way the older man’s eyes dart between the fridge and the counter.

“Oh. Uh, at 11 or so,” Jeongin replies. “And yes to the ice, please.”

“Yeah?” Minho asks, but about which statement Jeongin’s unsure. Still, Minho adds the ice and gifts the younger boy his homemade, now-half-filled glass of iced Americano. Jeongin clasps the cup with both hands.

“You didn’t stay with Jisung and Felix?”

Jeongin shakes his head and sips. Mmm. Not bad. “Nah, we split up for dinner,” he says. Nothing else.

Minho stares at him with prying eyes. Jeongin looks at his reflection in the drink.

“Okay,” Minho says. “You wanna come driving with me and Seungminnie today, since you went with the other two yesterday? We’re going shopping for more groceries, and other stuff probably.”

“Uh. Yeah sure, why not.”

“Great.” Minho grins. “Maybe we won’t get stuck in traffic this time with you there.”

Jeongin’s eyes widen. Then he feels a presence behind him.

“You _just_ got him to say yes, don’t scare the guy now,” Seungmin mumbles. He stands just behind Jeongin, blocking most of the entrance to the kitchen. They’re like a wall.

Minho smirks at his boyfriend. “If Yeni was going to say no, he had plenty of chances to do so. I was just trying to sweeten the deal.”

“Sweeten the deal, poison the cup. Two sides of the same coin with you.” Seungmin moves past Jeongin and sleepily pats Minho on the shoulder and cheek as he opens the fridge himself. Minho grins, turns, and drapes himself across Seungmin’s back, wrapping his arms around the taller man’s waist.

Jeongin rolls his eyes. “Flirting in front of my coffee. _Now_ it’s poisoned,” he says.

Without turning around, both Seungmin and Minho flip him off.

Jeongin snickers and downs the rest of his coffee.

The day passes mostly without incident, as does the next.

Grocery shopping with Seungmin and Minho isn’t as awkward as he feared. The two of them bicker like normal, and they tag team to tease Jeongin every so often, like always. And they are efficient, even when Minho distracts himself wanting to buy canned San Marzano tomatoes, or truffle oil, or other cool-sounding ingredients they have no use for.

(“Unless you want to make us a five-course meal from scratch,” Seungmin says, “we don’t need any of that right now.”

“Yah, Kim Seungmin, maybe I will!” Minho calls from the baking supplies aisle. He still puts the premade pie crusts back, though.)

After buying groceries, they return to the house to drop the items off and then head back out. Minho drives down busy Olympic Blvd this time, to see where it takes them. Jeongin finds out Minho’s less of a bad driver when it’s just him and Seungmin.

And himself, too, of course. But the way Minho has one hand on the wheel and the other resting on top of Seungmin’s hand on the center console says enough.

On Day 5, all five of them return to the beach.

They swim for some time in the mid-morning, and Jeongin is the first to get out. He suddenly feels a pull to play volleyball again. Jisung is busy bodysurfing with Felix and Minho, so the youngest doesn’t bother to go get him.

Seungmin, reading a book on his phone under a giant umbrella, watches him walk away. He says nothing, but he eyes Jeongin’s hasty exit with an unreadable expression. When he’s gone, the former turns back to his book.

Jeongin heads to the nets, up past the long footpath he sat on the other night. Standing on the sidelines and looking around, he recognizes one of the other people waiting to pair up and play. It’s the teenage son from the yoga session.

The kid, Doyoung, remembers him too. They partner up for their first three-set match of the day’s casual bracket.

They win by a landslide.

Both play through the bracket together, winning most of their sets, until the sun is high in the sky and their skin glows a faint pink under layers of sweat. They shake hands with the pair of women who beat them in the 5 set third-place match, 3-1, and thank the referee and line judges before walking away from the nets and toward Jeongin’s friends.

“That was amazing!” Doyoung says in Korean. “I didn’t know you were so good at volleyball, Jeongin-ssi.”

“Me neither.” Jeongin laughs. “My friend Jisung and I played for fun the other day and lost. I thought I just sucked.”

Doyoung snorts. “No way. I know it was a casual bracket, but you could’ve told me you were an outside hitter and I would’ve believed you.”

“Haha, thank you,” Jeongin says. He grins. “You’re not a bad setter though. Did the volleyball coach at your school ever try and recruit you from the basketball team?”

“Oh my God, don’t even get me started.”

The two of them make it back down to Jeongin’s friends before they know it, and Jeongin almost runs into the umbrella sticking out. The other vacationers stifle their laughs at him, to varying levels of success.

“Welcome back, cheater,” Jisung says. He sniffs. “Our team was good while it lasted.”

Jeongin rolls his eyes. “What, you wanted me to take you away from your boyfriend and best friend? We can play together another time.”

Jisung clicks his tongue. Seungmin and Minho swat at him, and Jisung yelps and scrambles behind Felix, who just sighs.

For what it’s worth, Doyoung laughs. That draws the attention of the others.

“Well, Jeongin-ssi, it’s been fun,” he says. “See you at yoga tomorrow?”

“Not tomorrow,” Jeongin replies. “I’ll text you when. Don’t make your stepmom any promises.”

Then he gestures to his newfound volleyball partner. “This is Doyoung, by the way. We met the other day.”

Doyoung smiles and bows slightly. “Nice to meet you all,” he says. Then he turns back to Jeongin. “And noted, but she’ll still ask questions. I think she thinks you’re some rich foreign exchange student.”

“Not yet!” Jeongin chirps, waving him off. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, Jeongin-ssi. Bye everyone!” Doyoung says. He leaves.

Jeongin’s grin today feels perpetual, but it falters when he looks back at his friends and meets their stares. Their expressions display varying levels of scrutiny.

On Day 6, the five of them spend a lazy morning together and then split into couples (and Jeongin) for lunch. Jeongin stays home and cooks himself a simple meal, making another small dent into his endless Watch Later playlist.

When he’s done eating, he opens his phone to the Notes app.

Two days ago, he found the half-formed list he started drafting while alone at the beach. It’s a solo schedule of things to do when his friends go off by themselves again, or if he’s with them and starts feeling extra third wheel-y.

It started out rough:

  * ‘get a new bike and go biking’
  * ‘walk until you get lost’
  * ‘call an Uber and go… somewhere idk’
  * ‘lots of cool tourist things’
  * ‘what would Seungmin do… wait don’t think about him, this is about you’



And the like.

Since then, he’s cleaned up the list and added lots more detailed items that he may never get to in the next two-ish weeks. He might even forget the note, knowing himself, writing it off as a spur-of-the-moment emotional thing.

But just having the list brings Jeongin comfort. It’s a backup plan. That’s why he kept it when he found it and continues to work on it.

Jeongin checks off the first item today, renting a long-term bike from a different and much nicer store on 4th St., by the movie theater he went to. He rides it by the shopping center with The Cheesecake Factory in it, down to Ocean Avenue, and all the way to a park north of the top of Venice Beach. There’s a playground there.

The rest of the day is for enjoying the sun and constantly moving around. His phone logs 4.5 miles when all is said and done, and he can feel it in his legs.

When he returns home, sun already set, he is again alone. He orders takeout for dinner, enough to feed two people. He eats most of it himself.

☼

“I think I’m gonna head out early,” Jeongin says after breakfast the next morning.

His friends look up at him, but he doesn’t notice, already standing with his bag in tow. He dusts off his clothes, workout casual like the last time he was the first to leave.

“There’s yoga today and I told Doyoung I would come. Then we’re going to get lunch and hang out for the rest of the day. You guys can do whatever!”

Felix blinks at him. Seungmin’s forehead wrinkles. Jisung and Minho are frozen.

“You sure, Jeongin-ah?” Felix asks. “We weren’t planning on splitting up today.”

“Oh, really?” Jeongin tilts his head. He didn’t stop to ask them earlier, now that he thinks about it, and a part of him feels really bad.

Isn’t this what he wanted? To hang out with his friends and not be left out?

But he already made his decision. All five of them have more days together.

“I already told Doyoung-ah I was on my way, though,” he says. “And I already paid his stepmom for the class today, so I can’t back out now. We can hang out another time, though. And actually talk about it ahead of time.”

Minho’s eyes widen incredulously. Seungmin sticks his tongue in his cheek, almost angry-looking. Jeongin gulps.

“Oh,” Felix says. “Well, if you’re sure. Just be careful, okay? Text us if you—”

“If I need anything, yep!” Jeongin opens the door. “I’ll be safe. Have a good day!”

Then he leaves and shuts the door behind him, walking out and down to the beach.

It’s 7:30 am, and the sun is already up. It isn’t sunrise yoga today, but an hour-long session about compassion and core strength, or something like that. He doesn’t remember. Doyoung just said it’s one of his stepmom’s most popular classes at her studio and she brought it to the beach for the first time this summer, so Jeongin should try it and see if he likes it.

Jeongin feels up for anything today.

His solo schedule as it stands is yoga, then volleyball if he’s not exhausted, then a nap and maybe a bike ride by himself as far north as he can go. It’s overambitious but he doesn’t care. Anything’s possible with a bike.

At least, that’s the plan.

The walk down to the beach is short and pleasant. Not too hot with the faintest breeze, almost like there’s no air. Hardly any people. A perfect morning, as much as it can be.

Jeongin sees Doyoung in the distance and waves at the younger. Doyoung waves back and beckons him over with an arm. Jeongin grins.

Then, out of nowhere, someone intercepts him.

Jeongin nearly stumbles backwards, and so does the person in his way. The former blinks rapidly and refocuses on the situation in front of him.

Red windbreaker and swim trunks, white shirt. Black baseball cap with a small, embroidered red cross in the center. Long, black hair. A striking, yet disarming face.

The tall, tan lifeguard from the past several days.

Jeongin’s smile slips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like i said: the fic will be in two parts (for now) and the prompt is mostly filled there. stay tuned!  
> yell at me to finish this on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/hyuckfc)


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